This weekend in America, we give thanks for everything we have while secretly planning to leave our families and run outside to trample people for three dollar bras.

Oh, but not I. I want football. I want food. I want peopleless stores. I want Idris Elba the love of a fuzzy four legged man.

Thanksgiving for me starts on Wednesday night with cooking. All. Night. Cooking. I don’t sleep. The meat has to be thawed for the marinade. The stuffing has to be made because that’s what I snack on. The potatoes where a challenge this year. Didn’t want mashed. Scalloped felt like added work. Crispy baked potatoes it was. Then with all the salt and carbs, I had to sneak in some roasted veggies.

With all this work how many people am I expecting for the big day? Two. Me and Duffy. Imagine if I actually knew other humans.

★ This whole holiday hinged on the World’s Greatest Stuffing.