The following post was found on the Website of the Iranian Celebritry Outers, an independent group of Middle Eastern computer nerds (associated with FOX news) devoted to discovering secret documents in the files of infidel American reporters and then opening them up to the Internet. Apparently a Miami Post reporter had been interviewing “D.D.” about assertions made by the famous (and beautiful) physicist and computer specialist (who was unsuccessfully recruited by the Revolutionary Guard to work on the Iranian nucelar bomb) Sarah Ramsingh. Revelations discovered herewith have shaken to the core the nerd community (led by nefarious rogues masquerading under the name Tejada) in South Florida.

Today, I am interviewing “D.D.” who seeks to cloak his Persian roots and allegedly has personal knowledge of the superstar celebrity Sarah R. Deeply disturbed by innaccuracies revealed in an online video, D. agreed to this interview. In order to be “fair and balanced” this reporter acknowedges that D. D. was provided 22 tins of tuna, 7 caches of catnip, and an undisclosed amoung of cash (deposited in his Caribbean offshore account). Sitting out on his private nude beach, sipping pina coladas, I asked him several questions. Is it true about Depp?

D.D.: I can’t dispute that Depp might have dated S, but I find it odd that she failed to mention the other 64 guys she dated that year alone. And it was a down year. That is not including the five-minute date with Leroy Patterson McRae, a blind date cut short when upon arriving at Chili’s Sarah discovered he had more zits that there are stars in Pleaides. I mean, well, the only thing seeing more action at that time was that green Trans Am.

Is it true she feared nothing?

D.D.: Well, partially. She did have irrational fears of Sebastian the Ibis, thongs, and the Riemann hypothesis. Village People sent her screaming in abject fear, and it is well known she fears the dominance of the Lakers.

And her jobs?

D.D.: Indeed, she did work at the hospital and Google, but she fails to mention her nighttime gig at Hot Mama’s Strip Emporium and her under-the-table trade in bootlegged Bollywood videos.

NASA, huh?

D.D.: Yeah, she tells everyone they didn’t hire her because of funding cuts, but the truth is they discovered in the background check that she had an unusual love for Barney. There were also strong rumors that she may have been responsible for a mysterious explosion in the chemistry labs on the UM campus, that took nearly three weeks to fumigate the smell. And robotics! Posh. We know the only robotics she knew about were ******battery-powered***************************neon plastic********** [portions deleted because of the sensitve nature of this material].

Who is this mysterious Duffy she mentions?

D.D: I refuse to talk about him.

She says she doesn’t drive because she lives in NYC?

D.D.: HA! There isn’t a car insurance company that will touch her! That Trans Am she talked about. . .didn’t last a month.

Anything else you’d like to tell me about Sarah’s 20th year?

D.D. She has a weird fetish for tuna-breathed hirsuite playboys. And her taster in music that year! OMG! Reportedly to members of the Miami Hurrican football team broke into her dorm room looking for cds to sell for quick cash, and they took NOTHING. They even made sure all the cds were put back on the shelf and wiped down and cleaned up before locking after they left. They told friends that they never could have sold any of the music, because everyone would have known where they came from.

Well, thank you for your candidness. Oh my, look at her. I didn’t know they came. . . . .[tape ran out at this point]