Heroes in a half shell, Turtle Power! That’s the first time I started watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was the 90’s tv show that made me believe that somewhere between Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael, I too was pizza loving sewer dweller. The show was so addictive, I immediately started reading the black and white comics. Soon after, I saw the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie. To quote Ice-T, it was a good day.

Fast forward nine thousand years, and Nickelodeon has brought back the TMNT in a television series. With that revelation, a movie would surely follow. When I heard that Nickelodeon was producing, I figured it’s more of a tie-in for their show than a movie for 80s kids to fan over. I was right. The movie is more catered to 12 year olds. Nothing wrong with that, but from the moment I saw the trailer, and the orange letters splashed across the screen, I had to remember what I was watching, and who it was being made for.

The film centers around our Turtles with the help of reporter April O’Neil (Fox) and cameraman Vern (Arnett), stopping Shredder from taking over New York City.

My mind was really mentally prepared for something far worse, and that line says it all. The moment I heard the words Michael Bay, I cried. He is only producing, not directing, and that right there is our hallelujah moment. Director, Jonathan Liebesman, deserves some credit. The fighting scene on the mountain was enjoyable. The script itself wasn’t complete cheese. Decent pace and the one liners from certain characters deserve incremental bonus points.

The worst part of the entire move is the CGI of the TMNT themselves. Who approved these middle linebackers that crawled out from the Tales of the Crypt? Every close up freaked me out more and more. I was grateful for those wide, sweeping shots. And. Teeth. Their look had Michael Bay spray painted on the shells.

A scene between April and one the Turtles bothered me. Maybe because it could have been more subtle. Maybe because they still didn’t look like the original Turtles. It’s a PG-13 movie so the scene isn’t graphic by any nature, just weird.

I know everyone wants to blame Megan Fox for not looking like April O’Neil but the blame there lies with the producers. Initially, it was strange seeing her cast. No, she looks nothing like April, but neither does Wonder Woman. I’m more fumed at them not acknowledging her Amazonian roots than April’s hair color not matching. It’s Hollywood, let’s pick our battles. Was her acting horrible? No. You can jump on that bandwagon if you want, but it’s really a children’s movie and she’s fine. If you haven’t seen her in Passion Play, it’s worth a watch.

Will Arnett adds a nice break to the movie. His humor pulls you away for a moment so that you don’t have to analyze how much you wish a madman in a blue box that can send you back to 1991. Go write something nice on his Facebook wall. It’s earned. Whoopie Goldberg almost does the same thing, but by the end of the movie, you almost forgot she was in there.

The movie theory is pretty simple. The producer’s aren’t going for nostalgia. They know our money is guaranteed. The producers are going for first time viewers. Pretty sure the look is a refresh in their eyes. Everyone else votes monstrosity. If this is someone’s initial TMNT movie, they’re probably not judging it against the 90s version and that was a feeling throughout the whole movie. Don’t compare us because you will be unhappy. Yes, you will.

It’s the same game plan being employed by Lifetime and their Saved By the Bell tv movie. We don’t need to pay actor that look like them- everyone will watch regardless.

Should you go see this movie? Do you have to? I mean, is someone in your home using back-to-school supplies? My theater was packed with kids about 8 to 38. The ones that couldn’t vote were having the best time. If you’re looking for nostalgia, it’s hard pressing.

If you haven’t seen Guardians of the Galaxy, that is much better money spent. If you have seen Guardians of the Galaxy, it’s still better money spent. You can look at each of those character without noticing your youth crying inside.

Rating:
Who’s it for: Anyone experiencing TMNT for the first time.
Who says nay: Everyone with comparative skills.
Nostalgic Adults: 2.4 of of 5 Duffies
Kids 4.2 out of 5 Duffies