I know what you’re thinking. The only type of literature- and I use that word figuratively, when conjuring up thoughts of Lindsay Lohan, is that trashy aisle at the supermarket. Bear with me for a second- after all I have an article to write. What if she was a book?

Here’s the thing about Lohan- I secretly like her. Oh, not the same way I like Louisa May Alcott or anything. Heaven’s no. In the sense that I like her more than the Hilton, the Kardashian, and the anyone else who has turned a sex tape into reality series. She can act. Remember, The Parent Trap, which was such a faithful adaptation. Remember how charming she was? Here’s a girl who is the cash cow of the family, and here’s a family that makes Kris Jenner look like Claire Huxtable.

Without further ado!

Moby Dick– It’s an up and down roller coaster of emotion with her. She is our whale and we are Ahab trying to catch her and feed her vitamins and sunshine. This harpoon is full of Women’s Centrum, Lindsay! I promise!

Endless Love– Lohan is about thirty-five percent Jade (the book- not that god awful movie. Jade’s) been with men and women. Both her hetero and non-hetero love life has been just as crazy. Did Wilmer Valderama burn down Michael Lohan’s house? Well, I still say the book is better, but I will live and die by that line.

Gone with the Wind– I could definitely see Lohan screaming, “I won’t think of it now. I’ll think of it later when I can stand it.” Scarlett was hapless and put-off. She didn’t want to face reality when it came to the truth about Ashley Wilkes. Remind you of anyone? I’m waiting for our ginger to pull down some drapes, make a dress, and walk the red carpet.

Pride and Prejudice– One word for you: Lydia. The youngest Bennet sister was impulsive, defiant, and careless. Same as our starlet’s OWN television show. I could see a journalist in the 19th century going to Wickham’s cottage and doing an interview with Lydia disheveled. She would probably talk about how smart she is and how fortunate she is to have found a husband.

The Bible- Just kidding. Although…

I can’t be the only lunatic with these visions of sugar plums dancing in my head? What book does Lohan remind you of?